Have you ever joined a club or organization, just because one of your friends joined first? Oh, come on, sure you have. How about developing hobbies or interests that coincidentally, one of your friends was passionate about before you? If you're thinking, "no way, I'm an individual", it may have even crept up on you without your knowledge, or acknowledgement. For example, one of your friends plays golf for the first time with a business associate, and then says, "you've got to try this game!" You realize that golf is popular, you recognize the potential for business deals, and you don't want your friend to think you're a geek, so you get a tee-off time for the following Sunday.
Do you see yourself in that example, or a similar situation? The truth is, whether you're a leader or a follower, people want to have a sense that they belong. They want to feel like they're just like everyone else. They want to be normal! In fact, as a sex therapist, the single most frequently asked question that I hear is, "Am I normal?" People genuinely fear being different, especially sexually. For that reason, chances are, you've never heard one of your friends say, "Hey Bill, have I ever mentioned to you that I'm hung like a half used pencil, and can't get it up?" Unfortunately, most people, whether it be a doctor, psychologist or friend, don't end up hearing that comment. When faced with a sexual problem, most people end up living in silence, rather than admitting to the world that there's something wrong.
Our sex lives often mirror where we're at in our everyday life at any given moment. Take the teen years for example; you're young and carefree, you're more apt to have meaningless, spontaneous, unprotected intercourse. You're in your early thirties, an energetic overachiever and go-getter; you're more likely to be really passionate about having sex, and probably, lots of it. Depressed about a dead end job and bills coming out of your ears? Your penis is probably feeling the stress too. So why is it that most people, especially men, have a hard time separating their genitals from their 24/7? Because the genitals are an integral part of everyone's daily routine, and their identification with their gender. To admit that one has a sexual problem is an admission that their masculinity or femininity has been compromised.
As a sex therapist, I can tell you that I've seen countless people come in to consult, just because they're terrified to talk to a friend or family physician. The vast majority of these consultations have one common denominator; ignorance. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that in a condescending manner. Unfortunately, the school system doesn't encourage open discussion about anything below the waist. Most parents bring up their children to believe that anything sexual is to be discussed or performed behind closed doors. Seeing as most men aren't apt to compare their notes with their peers, they can have nagging questions and doubts that can haunt them for years until they ultimately decide to consult. You name the question, I've heard it, and 90% of the time, it ends with "is that normal?"
Finding out from your doctor that you have leukemia can be devastating, as can learning that you're impotent, although certainly not on the same scale. The good news about most sexual problems is that usually, there's a very simple "cure". The following are examples of some of the most frequently asked questions, regarding problems that cause a great deal of angst:
Q: My penis is about an inch long when flaccid, and only grows to about 5 ½ inches when erect. Is that normal?
A: 95% of adult males have a penis that measures between 5 ½ and 6 1/2 inches long. As for the flaccid length, it has little to do with the erect length, and you shouldn't care, youre only going to use it to pee with anyway. You know the super-studs with the sledgehammer between their legs that you see in porno films? Well, they're about as rare as a three-dollar bill. They exist of course, and many of them work in the porno industry, for the mere fact that they are rare. Don't go around comparing yourself to freakishly well-hung adult film stars, because that just isn't realistic. Whether you measure six inches or even three, it's only the first two inches of a woman's vagina that contains the vast majority of the nerve endings, so the rest is just filler, pardon the pun. From most women's point of view, trust me, size really doesn't matter. Diagnosis: NORMAL.
Q: Even if I keep my mind on baseball, I ejaculate no more than five minutes after penetration. What can I do to last longer?
A: Believe it or not, if you last six minutes, youre already going longer than ninety per cent of the population. Again, forget about what you see in porno films, that's fantasy. What is important here is the fact that women take longer to get excited, and longer to reach orgasm than men do. Men that haven't accepted this yet are usually the ones that think they have a premature ejaculation problem. For example, if you climb on top of your partner and thrust for five minutes as soon as you get hard, she's going to be pretty disappointed, because she's just started getting those juices flowing, and you've already lit up a Marlboro. Foreplay (I know how much you guys hate that word) is the way to go to ensure that you both get some enjoyment from the sexual experience. If you've adequately stimulated her manually and performed some measure of oral sex on her, she won't be needing more than five minutes. Diagnosis: NORMAL.
Q: I feel like I'm addicted to sex. I need to masturbate at least once every day. Is that normal?
A: If you distance yourself from your penis for just a moment, you'll recognize that masturbation often has little or nothing to do with sex. Just like going to the gym to pump iron, or stopping off at a neighborhood bar after work for a couple of beers "to take the edge off", masturbation is a great way to relieve stress. It has the elements that you'd expect: heart rate elevation, rapid breathing, and kind of like aerobics, only without the ridiculous costume. There's nothing wrong with masturbating everyday, in fact it's healthy. It keeps you in tune with your body, and it nourishes a sex drive that would normally diminish if not encouraged. You might want to be reminded that having a strong sex drive is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, a recent study indicated that 54% of men say that masturbation is a part of their daily routine. Diagnosis: NORMAL.
Q: My girlfriend and I have had sex about four times a week for the last year and a half, and she's never had an orgasm from intercourse alone. I'm starting to think that she must be frigid. Is that normal?
A: Approximately seventy per cent of all women never find out what it's like to experience a vaginal orgasm. Before you start taking out your hanky, they are experiencing clitoral orgasms, so don't feel sorry for them. All that means is that they require their clitoris to be directly stimulated for them to really get going. During vaginal penetration, the penis does not come in contact with the clitoris (unless your woman is on top which allows her to rub herself against you), and therefore, although it may be very physically enjoyable, climax is unachievable. This can easily be overcome with the introduction of your (or her) fingers to stimulate her clitoris, while you're inside her. You may have to experiment with positions until you find one that's comfortable for both of you, while still leaving room for the extra hand (the doggy style is good for freeing up those hands). Some couples find this to be too much of a distraction and rely more on oral sex before intercourse. Try to look at it a different way. It's not that she can't have an orgasm during penetration, but that her body prefers different avenues to get to the same goal. If she's climaxing at least one way, stop worrying. Diagnosis: NORMAL.
Q: My wife and I have been married four years, and we only have sex once a week. Is that normal?
A: For you, it is. There are national averages, but they don't mean a thing. They don't take into account such variables as: children, stress, work, health, free time, and the like. There's nothing wrong with a couple having sex once a week, or two weeks, or a month for that matter. Whatever you're comfortable with as a couple is fine. Sometimes, the sex drives in a couple aren't synchronized, and one is happy with once a week, while the other can't make it through supper without playing footsie under the table. That situation often poses a problem. If you both feel the same way, great, and don't forget that your drive will experience hills and valleys throughout your life, so if it's once a week right now, it may well be twice a day next year. Just try to make sure that if you're not getting quantity, at the very least, you're getting quality. Diagnosis: NORMAL.
These are examples of what you may deem to be trivial questions and situations, but to the (many) people that have consulted about these very issues, they are taken to heart. Should you find yourself questioning something that has bothered you for years, I hope that you'll do yourself the favour of consulting a professional. Whether it be a sexual issue or a traditional health problem, it's better to be enlightened than to suffer in silence. In the vast majority of cases, you just may find that you're no different than your next-door neighbor.
