Do you know why the diet industry is such a booming success? Why there seems to be a new weight loss book out on the shelves every second week? Why the late night infomercials just keep coming and coming? The answer is simple. Dieting is extremely hard to do without occasionally cheating, and once most people cheat, they usually jump off the bandwagon and call it quits. Then they go looking for a different "system" that promises them amazing results with either the opportunity to enjoy regular treats, or a regimen generous enough to fend off the cravings. Relationships are similar to diets in the way that no matter how successful they are, they are not immune to the intermittent pangs for cheesecake.
As intelligent adults, we understand the complexities of temptation, and how indulging that temptation can wreak havoc in our relationships. What is necessary to understand is that it is entirely normal to be tempted and to fantasize about sleeping with someone other than our loved one. You know the old expression "You can look at the menu - you're not obliged to order a meal"? You would be in the tiny minority if you didn't look. In fact, it's healthy to look - and to fantasize for that matter. It ensures that you nourish your sex drive, your creativity, your youthfulness, and your inspiration. That being said, why do so many of us (approximately 50% of the coupled population) take it one step further and cross the line from harmless flirtation and fantasy, to a full fledged sexual encounter? Are our basic sexual instincts so powerful that we are willing to risk our relationships, our families and our businesses for a simple exchange of bodily fluids?
To better understand why we go ahead with the aforementioned risks, we have to look at the reasons why people cheat. Contrary to popular belief, cheating isn't only about the sex. In fact, oftentimes, it doesn't even have anything to do with sex at all. Take the sex addict for example. Potential scenario - a family man who, to the outside gives off the impression that he's totally devoted to his wife and kids, but is secretly having affairs as often as he can get them. All the while, he may be having the best sex he's ever had (including his extra marital lovers) with his wife, and as often as he wants it. So why does he do it? There are of course several possibilities, the most common one being his low sense of self-esteem and self worth. Often, the sex addict experiences so much mental anguish that he searches for an escape to temporarily mask his problems and make him feel worthy of attention. Some addicts choose alcohol, others drugs, and in this case it's sex. Relief comes for a short period of time when the addict gets his fix, but soon enough, the pain will return, sending him to his next affair. It should be noted that the sex addict often feels a lot of guilt about the cheating, and sincerely wishes he could stop.
In other relationships, what emotional bond might have once been established, may for any number of reasons have eroded into a mere shell that is on life support, if for nothing else other than the children or amassed wealth. While some will eventually opt for divorce, others feel the sacrifices that accompany it are too costly, and will simply seek to fill the emotional void in their lives by taking on a lover, in the true sense of the word. They have resigned themselves to the fact that their emotional needs are not, and will not be met with their current partner, and experience little to any guilt about cheating.
There are many other reasons why people will cheat. To truly understand, you have to take a good look at the couple situation, the cheaters' personality, the environment and all of the emotions involved. In a perfect world, we would all remain loyal to our partners for the duration of our relationships, despite the fact that in the animal kingdom, of which we are part, very few species reserve their sexual activity to only one mate. Can it be that monogamy is a learned instinct, and not a natural one? Who knows, but we all know the damage that can be done when an infidelity is discovered, and for that reason alone, we should be striving to stamp it out.
If you happen to be one of the people who have an opportunity to stray at hand, it is your obligation to examine all the risks involved. How would she react if she found out? What pain would she go through? Would you be able to face and tell your kids why Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce? What if you contracted a disease, maybe even a fatal one? Even worse, what if you contracted a fatal disease and inadvertently passed it on to your loved one?
When an indiscretion is exposed, all the trust that may have been built up over a period of time will be instantly wiped out. There will be no trust at all; every time you go out to the convenience store, she will be wondering what you're really up to. Every time you answer the phone, she'll question who's really on the other end. In many couples, that trust is never regained, regardless of how remorseful and committed the adulterer is. Ultimately, those couples do not have a great future if any, since trust is the cornerstone of any good relationship.
After an indiscretion, the level of distrust and damage can vary depending on the type and frequency of the betrayal. If you cheated one time on a business trip with someone you're never going to run into again, that's far less threatening than if you had an eight-month affair with a co-worker who was in love with you, and still shares the next cubicle. The serial cheater is on another level altogether. Although no scenario is a good one, women are far more likely to forgive an infidelity if it was purely sexual in nature than if it had an emotional involvement. The thought that you may have taken "her" to your couple's special places, that you held hands, or that you bought her little gifts will matter even more than the fact that you slept with her. Men, on the other hand, don't handle cheating partners very well. Whether it be emotional or sexual, it is a monstrous blow to the male ego, and extremely difficult to overcome. If you have had, or are currently having an affair, my recommendation is to end it immediately, or at the very least, end your relationship and stop deceiving the one you supposedly love.
If you're thinking of having an affair, consider these statistics:
- Fewer than ten percent of people in affairs divorce their spouse and then marry their lover.
- Nearly eighty percent of those who divorce because of an affair are sorry later.
- Over seventy five percent of affair-marriages end in divorce.
- For those whose marriages survive affairs, recovery takes between one and three years.
An affair can be regarded as a cancer that has invaded the couple. Even after the cancer (the affair) has been removed, the fear that it will return remains, until a lengthy period of good health has passed. This will require complete separation from the person you've cheated with, and total honesty in your couple. Be accountable for every hour of the day, and don't live a secret life. Give your partner your undivided attention and meet her emotional needs. Other needs that must be met to ensure good couple health are admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.
The best advice when it comes to indiscretions is "An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure". If you know you have a weakness for strippers, stay out of strip joints. If a woman approaches you and makes a pass, make it clear that, while you are very flattered, you are quite happy with your partner. If you work in a milieu surrounded by a bevy of attractive women, keep it professional and try to remember who will be there for you when you have the flu. If you are an extremely horny guy by nature, try masturbating before putting yourself in a situation where you'll be tempted to cheat; once you've had your orgasm, the interest level won't be the same. Lastly, always ask yourself the question: Is this going to be worth losing my partner for?
Supposing you have already opted to trade that ounce of prevention for the pound of cure, please go and see a couple's counsellor who is well trained to deal with the aftermath of an affair. You'll need all the necessary tools to get your relationship back on track.
