Are you ready for the "C" word?
If you're like most people, chances are, you'll have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your princess. Even if you happen to luck out and find that perfect match on your very first date, the odds aren't in your favour that you'll end up marrying her. They aren't even favorable that you'll stick with her for several years. It's very evident as of childhood that we have a natural curiosity to try new things, and we are rarely satisfied with what we've got. When it comes to dating, this is even truer in the case of men than it is for women. Add to that the societal pressures put on men to be as masculine and studly as they can, and you've got the perfect recipe for promiscuity. James Bond, the traditional icon for masculinity and machismo, is seen in practically every 007 film scoring with a multitude of beautiful women, to the envy of red blooded males across the globe.
When you're in your teens, this is especially true, what with the torrid surge of hormones and boundless peer pressure. As we get older, whether it be the maturing process, a nesting impulse, or simply those very same societal pressures (this time to fit into the model of the nuclear family), we begin the task of searching for a partner or lifelong mate. For many, this process isn't even something that they're really sincerely interested in doing. They're perfectly fine with having sex with new people all the time, and you can recognize that there is something to be said for constantly new and exciting sexual encounters. However, if you're truly motivated to move on to something more stable, solid, meaningful and permanent, a serious "commitment", as opposed to episodic moments of empty pleasure, you are ready to begin the task of looking for your soul mate.
If you're like the masses, you will have asked yourself countless times, "How do I know if I'm ready?" The following are a few questions you should consider to determine where you're at emotionally:
- When you see wedding processions drive by, are you envious because you would like to have someone to share things with, or do you think that newlywed couple has instantly become boring?
- When you're with a woman out in public, are you focused on her, or are you constantly checking out every cleavage that you pass, wishing you could have them too?
- Have you ever cancelled a date because you'd rather go out with your friends?
- How do you feel if a woman wants you to spend the night at her place, or she wants to sleep over at your place? Do you want her to leave as soon as possible in the morning?
- What do you crave more, the physical or the emotional?
Are you sensing a pattern here? If you'd rather hang with your buddies, prefer to lose two toes over waking up next to someone, or actively lust after every hottie that you see, trust me, you're better off single for now. If you're sincerely looking for a "partner", you have to start assessing your situation and build a game plan. First, determine what's important to you. You may never even have considered what's essential or what's a definite "no-no", but if you don't know what you want, how are you going to go about finding it?
- Are looks high on your list of essential components? It's ok if they are, but consider that someone with a great personality will become better looking as you get to know them better.
- Is religion or spirituality important to you?
- Does what she does for a living make a difference?
- Do you want to have children? If so, how many?
- Are you a city, suburb or country kind of guy?
- Are you sporty and outdoorsy or do you prefer to rent movies and leave impressions on your sofa?
- Are you materialistic or simple?
- Are you in control of your finances?
- Do you want to be the dominant partner, or would something more equitable be to your taste?
- Is an active sex life important?
- Are you tidy and self sufficient, or do you still bring your laundry to your mother?
Of course, you can make up your own list of what you're looking for, but be aware that the "perfect partner" only exists in Hollywood movies. You simply have to establish what you can live with, and what you can't. Unfortunately, these days it seems a little unrealistic with the current divorce rates, but we all get married with the intention of living "happily ever after". If you detect philosophical differences with a potential mate, dont increase your divorce odds, and move on to someone who is more compatible. Anytime you discover a trait in someone that is fundamentally opposite to your own thinking, you should consider this a "RED FLAG" that merits immediate discussion and evaluation. A successful stock broker probably won't be well matched with a woman that is completely irresponsible with her money. Likewise, if you are charged with seething testosterone, you won't be happy with someone that is prudish and believes that sex is for procreation. That said, once you've decided what your ground rules are, you can begin the search.
So where does one go about meeting a future mate? Although it's not for everybody, I believe that set-ups are an ideal avenue. If you have friends or relatives that have single friends, get the word out; let them know that you're looking. They know you and what you're like, and they can hopefully introduce you to a similar prospect. There's no shame in meeting someone on a blind date, and you've already got at least one thing in common; the person that set you up. If that's not your thing, use one of your interests to meet people. Some examples:
- You're athletic - join a hiking club, biking group, mixed softball league, mixed doubles tennis etc.
- You're intellectual - go to poetry readings, join a chess club, hang out at big bookstores that have coffee shops or sofas for lounge reading, and strike up a conversation about the book she's perusing.
- You're spiritual - go to your house of worship, or better yet, join a bible discussion group.
Whatever your interest is, pursue it, because the person that you meet will inevitably have that in common with you. As far as I-m concerned, the old line about opposites attracting is a load of crap. Married life is challenging enough without factoring in wildly differing interests.
Once you've been fortunate enough to meet someone that you get along well with, there's nothing to lose and everything to gain by discussing the more serious aspects of a long term commitment. It's ok to ask her how she feels about children, what kind of house she'd like to live in, how she feels about monogamy etc. If you don't ask, how are you going to know? Ask her about her past relationships, and how and why they ended. The answers will tell you a lot about how she'll treat you. Of course, you'll have the good sense not to ask her all the critical questions on the first date or you'll be driving home alone. Once you have a comfort level where conversation is open, lively and honest, I believe any question is fair game.
No one woman is going to meet every criterion that you hold important in a mate. She just doesn't exist. Your goal is to find the one that is as compatible as reasonably possible; one that you don't think will annoy you for the next fifty years. Ask yourself if you can see growing old with that person. Try to visualize her taking care of your children. Imagine seeing her naked at eight months pregnant. Envision making love to her while eight months pregnant. Are you still turned on by her? Some men have difficulty looking at their wives in quite the same way after she's given birth, or even after she becomes pregnant. The "Madonna whore complex" as it's known, is a difficulty in separating the woman as a sexual being, while at the same time, a caring, loving mother. Think about it before you're even contemplating popping the question because if you think you might have some trouble, maybe she's not the woman for you.
If you happen to be at the stage in your life where finding a permanent mate for all the right reasons is an attractive concept, get your house in order, let your inner child come out to play, and have fun with it. It's not meant to be torturous. Be sensible, be responsible, and have an open mind. Last, but certainly not least, remember that she has feelings too. If that is a problem, well, there are always internet chat rooms.
